Sigh.... My deepest apologies, devoted readers. It's been far too long in between posts. This is entirely my fault, yes, I admit. I'm sure none of you actually care to know the reason as to why I've been out of commission, but I'll tell you anyway. It's an amalgamation of two key reasons. One, I've been horridly busy. Between work, traveling, and simply having a social life, my life has been all too hectic to actually sit down and crank out an amazingly witty blog post. The second reason, is that I have to be in a certain mood to make a good blog post. Hell, the only reason most of you are reading is because I infuse all of my stories with my trademark cynicism and sarcasm. And if I didn't have that, what would be left? A hilariously outrageous story? As if. At any rate, I'll cease with the formalities and get right to the juice: three of my favorite memories of Spring term at OSU.
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When in college, there is a plethora of different activities that one can partake in to keep them occupied. For the most part, that's drinking and partying. Yeah, it's a stigma associated with the whole collegiate atmosphere, and I must admit, it's pretty damn accurate. Now that isn't to say that it is the ONLY way to have fun. No, my friends and I seek out other creative means to bide our time when we aren't slamming our faces against the walls in utter frustration from school work. We'll go out to eat, sit in and watch movies, or play games. Board games, video games, you name it; we do it.
Now I can't remember when EXACTLY, but one night during the school year, my dear friend Oliver brought over a board game called "Loaded Questions." For those of you who don't know the game, it goes a little something like this. Everybody gets a piece of paper and a pencil. One person rolls, and then has to draw a card with a question on it. Let's say the question is "Where would you want to honeymoon most?" Everybody would write down an answer to the question (save for the person who read the question) and give their answers to the person who went BEFORE the person who rolled. This person would then read all of the answers aloud, and the person who rolled would have to guess who said what. It can be pretty hilarious, some of the conversations that arise from thinking who said what.
But I digress. Oliver brought this game over, and one night, we all finally played it; a close group of my friends. It all started innocently enough... And then, for some reason, things took a turn for the... Perverse. For some reason, it was as though a switch was flipped in all of our heads, and our answers to the most simple of questions were the most horrifically twisted and sexually charged answers you could possibly think of. Of course, this led to us roaring with laughter at every single answer written. It was utterly hysterical, to say the least. Once we had finished, we had to give the game back to Oliver (as it wasn't actually his) and that was that. One of the best games I'd ever played.
At this point, I'm sure you're thinking... "That's IT?? THAT'S your hilarious story?" No, is the answer to that question.
It gets better.
After that night, I didn't really pay loaded questions much thought. We did other stuff, and it was kind of like a distant memory of awesomeness. At this point, my birthday was quickly approaching, and I was really excited. My friends kept telling me that they they had gotten me pretty awesome gifts, and being the greedy bastard I am, I couldn't wait to see what they were. My friends Mackenzie and Virinda in particular were really excited about GIVING me their gift, of which they went in on together. I could hardly contain myself.
Well, when April 19th came along, I, without hesitation, tore into my presents as they were given to me. Talo got me an awesome piano book with all sorts of Disney songs, Amelia got me a shirt, Corey and Alex both got me Glee DVDs, and Mackenzie and Virinda got me Loaded Questions: The Adult Version.
Loaded Questions: The Adult Version.
OH MY GOD YES.
I couldn't believe my eyes. This was quite possibly going to be the most fun I've ever had EVER. Mackenzie thought this game was a great idea. Virinda did too, but she had no clue as to the Pandora's Box she just opened. If we were twisted and sexual playing loaded questions the REGULAR version, just think how bad we'd be playing the Adult version!! Oh the possibilities were endless.
So... We played this game many a time over the course of the term. Whenever we had friends come visit, it was always "WE'RE PLAYING LOADED QUESTIONS." It was a wonderful way for our visiting friends to meet everybody in our group. Errr... Well, maybe not so much wonderful as traumatizing... But potato, potahto, right? However, my favorite instance came later in the term.
My friend Connor was visiting, and if anybody could rival me in sexual innuendo, it's him. I had to impress Connor, and get the largest possible group I could think of to play this horrid, horrid game. In the end, we all sat down to play. Me, my friends Charles, Talo, Amelia, Alex, Oliver, Mackenzie, Virinda, and finally, Connor.
Now... I would share with you the full details of the evening. I would, really. But seeing as how I have people of all sorts reading this, I don't think it would be in the best interest of my eternal soul to be saying what really happened that night. After all, I don't want some kid to come along, read this, and have them go up to their parents asking exactly "What's a blowjob and how do I get one?" That being said, I will share with you some of the questions we were asked. Oh hell, and maybe some answers. I recall "fisting a horse" to be one answer. "J'ing my D" to be another. "Playing the 1812 overture at climax" happened to be one of my favorites. Some questions... "If you could create a sexual olympics event, what would YOU create?" "What book title could be used as the name of a porno?" And etc. You can attempt to use your imagination to come up with answers, but I'll bet you anything you have nothing on us.
Sweet, SWEET Virinda decided to answer the following question, "What political issue fires you up most?" with this "beauty." "I believe that gays should have the right to marry. Calan and Oliver deserve to be happy together."
Ha, ha, ha, Virinda. We're all laughing.
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As Memorial Day approached, I realized the bind I was going to be in. Well, not necessarily a bind per say, but a disadvantage. All of my friends were going home for the weekend, and I was going to be left all by myself. At the time, I was kinda sad. I mean, all of my friends got to have their families feed them as I sat and ate the billionth Callabaloo's burger for that term. But I was being negative. I had to look at this in a positive light. I was going to have my room ALL TO MYSELF for an entire weekend, as Talo was going home. Hey, there we go!! I could sit in my room in my sleeping attire all day long and play video games while eating junk food! On second thought, this weekend was going to rock.
On my way home from my final class on Friday, I called Mackenzie to see if she wanted to go grab some food before she left. To my dismay, she was practically headed out the door to leave with her mom. However, she informed me that her mom would LOVE to see me and say hi, and that I should meet her in the lobby of our dorm.
Ten minutes later, I found myself stuffed in her car on my way to Troutdale. I don't even know how; it all happened so fast (that's what she said). All I knew was that her mom extended me the invite of coming over, and that she would feed me. That's all it took.
But you already all know this. I gave you some insight to my Troutdale trip when I talked about my uhh... Interesting experience with the people of Cascade Locks. This however, is a different story altogether. On our way up to Troutdale, Mackenzie's mom Jodi asked me if it would be fine by me to go with them to their church service on Sunday. "Oh sure, that's fine!" I responded jovially. After all, I thoroughly enjoy attending church services that aren't of my own denomination. I find it fascinating, personally. I realized that it wasn't going to be tragically different, as they were simply non-denominational Christian as opposed to my Catholicism.
Boy was I in for a treat.
Sunday came, and I found myself on the "New Beginnings" complex. And that's exactly what it was. A complex. It was this massive building with pretty much everything you could possibly think of. I was a little overwhelmed, coming from my single room Catholic chapel to say the LEAST. I put on my brave face though, and Mackenzie and I went into the auditorium for the main service.
It started with the singing. There was a Christian rock group playing up on the stage, and doing a great job. People in the audience were getting really into it. They had their hands all up in the air with their eyes closed; swaying back and forth as they felt the power of the Lord course through their very VEINS! Me, I just sat there and swayed and mouthed along, as I was getting glares for not doing the equivalent of collapsing on the ground and convulsing from the power of the Holy Spirit.
Finally, the sermon started. The pastor actually gave a very nice sermon on finding strength through God. However, I couldn't pay attention to that, for one sole reason.
A random tangent. It's no surprise that I have one major goal for my life. That goal is to find a large, sassy, black woman, and get her to do the thing where she snaps her fingers and goes "MMMHHHMMMM!!!!" I have been searching far and wide for the perfect person to do this. And at this sermon, I found the next best thing.
In the front row of the auditorium, in front of everyone, was a black woman. A black woman in a LIME GREEN POWER SUIT. To say she blended in with the crowd would be a gross misstatement. This woman not only was loud with her appearance, she was just LOUD. And God was she sassy... Let me give you an example of what happened that day.
Pastor: And so, we turn to the Lord-
Black Woman: *while throwing her hands in the air* PRAISE THE VERY LORD!!!!!!!!
Pastor: Jesus preach-
BW: PREACH, JESUS!!! PREACH THE HOLY WORD!!! MMMMHMMMMM!!!!
Pastor: An-
BW: GOD IS ALMIGHT ON HIGH!!!! AAAALLLLELUIA!!!!!!!!! *foaming at the mouth*
Well. Needless to say. I could hardly contain myself.
I felt kind of bad. I mean, here I was sitting here with my body racked with shaking as I was laughing so hard during this very nice sermon. But, I couldn't help myself. I mean, this was just too perfect to not watch. It was as if God himself had heard my wish and bestowed upon me the ultimate sassy black woman. Mackenzie finally clued into my laughter, and asked me what the hell was so funny. All I had to do was point. Next thing I know, she's busting up right next to me. I'm sure that the rest of the congregation in our immediate vicinity was none too pleased... But it's alright. I'm sure that in the grand scheme of things, I'll be alright.
Well, maybe.
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My final story comes from Finals week itself. Spring term finals were hell, putting it mildly. What with Chemistry, Vector Calculus, and Physics, I was in for a jolly good time. But not really. I pretty much spent every waking minute of my day that I WASN'T in a final, down in the coffee shop in my dining hall studying with my friends. Charles, Oliver, Mackenzie, Rachel, and Virinda to be exact. Well, Charles, Oliver, Rachel, and myself all had the same Vector Calculus class. And the same exam. That was going to be really nice, as we could then do all of our studying together, and take our exam in the same room as well. For moral support, and all that jazz.
Our exam was Wednesday morning at 7:30. Ew. But that was alright, as it gave us all day Tuesday to study for it. And study we did. We studied our ASSES off for that exam. It was cumulative, so we had 11 weeks worth of material to study over and perfect in the course of 24 hours. Oh, and it isn't the most easy of material either.
But. BUT. We had one thing in our favor. Our midterm exam was a piece of cake. Seriously; it was the easiest math test I had ever taken EVER. It was with this sentiment in mind that we thought to ourselves... "The final is going to be pretty simple as well. I mean, he'll just follow the same trend!"
Yeah. Not so much.
Oliver and I woke up at 5:00 that next morning to make our note cards. I thought it would be a great idea to jump start my brain in the morning with math. By immersing myself in the subject before the exam, I would be fresh and ready to ROCK THIS TEST. At least, that's what I was telling myself. After an hour, I had completed the most BEAUTIFUL of note cards. It was utterly immaculate. Every piece of information I could possibly have needed was on this note card. And with that, I was ready. Ready to face my day of math hell. READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS.
My friends and I marched with our heads held high into the exam room, and we all got ready to do work on this test. We had spent the last 24 hours studying. We were ready to roll. I went into this exam with a high A; that further instilled me with the confidence I needed to do well. I mean, hell. I had a little leeway to fudge up a little bit and still do wonderfully in the class! Our spirits were high.
And then we got the exam.
Question one consisted of making sure I had my name written on my scantron, and an exam number bubbled. Check. Got it. That's 10 points right there!! Awesome!
Question two. "Hmmm... Well, I don't know this one. I'll come back to it. It's all good. Not being sure on one won't kill me."
Question three. "*staring blankly at exam for three minutes* Ummmmmm...... Heh... Okay, this one is a bit tricky too. I'll just move on."
Question four. ".......................................................... Shit."
It was my worst nightmare. You know those dreams you sometimes have that you are taking an exam and it's all foreign to you? You know absolutely NOTHING? Yeah, that was my reality. It was a twenty problem exam, with 15 of them being multiple choice. I guessed on every single multiple choice question, and stumbled horridly through the work out problems. Well, the ones I had vague ideas on how to do, anyway.
An hour and fifteen minutes into our two hour exam, I looked up at the clock. Fourty Five minutes left. I looked down at my paper. I was on question ten. It was at that moment that I felt like I had just been punched in the stomach. I seriously felt like I was going to throw up. I wanted to burst into tears and start sobbing. I actually tried willing myself to cry; I mean, if I was pathetic enough, maybe the TA's proctoring the exam will take pity on me and excuse me from the utter hell that was this math exam.
I then looked around at my friends closest to me to see if they were faring much better. My friend Lauren was sitting to my left, and she was furiously scribbling away at a problem. Great. I looked over at Oliver, who was on my right, and he too was just doing WORK on this exam.
"GOD DAMN IT ALL!!!" I thought to myself in dismay. Here I was; the only incompetent one out of my group of friends who had no idea how to do any Vector Calculus. I felt like such an idiot. Which, of course, compounded on to my already horrid feelings made me want to hang myself from the rafters of the exam room.
With five minutes left, I started to lose any and all hope. There went my perfect grade. There went my GPA. I was going to have to retake the class. I was going to lose my scholarship. I was going to get kicked out of school. My parents would disown me. I was going to end up living under a bridge somewhere begging for food, and all would laugh at me due to my dismal failure. "HA HA, THERE'S CALAN!!! HE COULDN'T PASS VECTOR CALCULUS!!" My life was flashing before my eyes, and it wasn't pretty.
At this point, Charles got up and turned in his exam. That snapped me out of my reverie right quick, and as I glanced down, I realized I still had one problem that I didn't finish. Having no idea on how to do the problem, I magically pulled answers out of thin air and wrote them down on the paper. I'm pretty confident they made no sense what-so-ever, but that's alright. I didn't really care at that point. I got up, handed in my exam with two minutes left, and defeated, trudged out of the room.
I found Charles outside in the hall way, just getting out of the bathroom. I finally willed myself to speak, and dared to ask the question... "How'd it go, dude?"
As he turned to face me, his facial expression said it all. The frantic look in his eye; nearly on the verge of tears, the pale complexion of his face, and the lopsided frown plastered on his face told me that it went just as well for him as it did for me. We exited the building in silence. There wasn't much to say; we just got ass raped by a math exam, and there was no fixing it. We tried to talk, but all that came out was incoherent, truncated fractions of cohesive thought. It was a disaster. Finally, the rest of our friends started to slowly trickle out.
Yeah, they didn't fare much better.
So in all, our math exam was an epic failure. We all dismally failed it. Every last one of us. It was actually kind of impressive, looking back on it. We all managed to do absolutely atrociously, and every single one of my friends went through the exact same hell that I did as they were TAKING the exam itself. Hell, one of them even told me that they thought I was doing amazingly at it, considering how furiously I was working on one of the problems. OH THE IRONY.
I pulled a B in the class. I nearly passed out when I found out the amazing news. I'm thinking the grade was out of pity... But, I'll take it by God.
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So with that, concluded my freshman year at Oregon State University. I made some absolutely incredible friends that I will keep for life, and had some experiences that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Except the wet finger in mouth one. I'll trade that any day of the week and twice on Sundays. But that's besides the point. I can't wait to see what my sophomore year will bring, and the rest of my collegiate experience to come.
